Let's talk about it

At some point in the evolution of American culture it became all-important to communicate. All the self help and relationship gurus told us that the key to a happy and successful marriage was to be able to talk honestly about our feelings. We were advised to use "I" statements, not to blame the other person, and to take responsibility for our own role in creating whatever was upsetting us. We were reminded that when we point the finger, three of our fingers are curved back and point at ourselves. This was good advice.
Many of us applied these principles and took the risk of looking at ourselves in the mirror. As a result, we grew wiser as individuals and maybe even evolved as a society. But communicating, like everything else, can be overdone. It's not necessary to talk about every ripple on the water of a relationship. Water isn't supposed to be glassy smooth all the time; it's supposed to have ripples. Some of those ripples should be brought to light in a loving and kind way so both partners can examine their nature. But other ripples are probably best left alone to be just what they are--part of the great mystery of the unknown.
When you feel the need to talk about an issue with your partner, wait a beat (as actors say). Give yourself some time to process your own feelings first. What's triggering you, and why? Is your need to talk about it a subtle way of trying to change your partner? Breath into the situation and ask Spirit for peace and awareness. Then, if you still feel a need to talk about it, go back to basics. Keep it clean and to the point. And of course, use "I" statements. Because remember, three of your fingers are curving back at yourself.

2016

It's day three of 2016 and it really is a happy new year. I'm grateful for so much in my life, even for the hard stuff I had to get through to be where I am now. Kerry and I have been together almost 12 years and Adam is going on 10 in February. We're officially tying the knot this coming April 2 in Phoenix, with a repeat performance on May 29 for our New York family.

Freud said we need two things to be happy: love and work. I can finally say that at age 66, I have both. And they're getting better! Marriage feels like it's taking me deeper into love, with its challenges, its joys and its transcendent rewards. Work at Grand Canyon University is sufficiently rewarding but I know I can do better, both financially and in terms of fulfillment.  I trust that my life is unfolding in its own time, so I don't need to push the river.

I do have some ideas on the back burner, though. One of them is a wine and cheese cafe called The Living Room, where folks can meet and make new friends; most importantly, it would be a venue where aspiring musicians, story tellers, poets and artists of all kinds can gain exposure before a live audience. Stay tuned as this story develops. It may take an infusion of cash to make it happen. Speaking of that. . .

Dad is 91 years old, living alone in his home in New York (with round the clock housekeeping). He just overcame a bout with pneumonia and he's hoping to get down to his second home in Boca Raton this winter where he can swim, which is vital to his well being. But his case against his eye doctor--the one who blinded him in a botched surgery on his left eye--is coming due in January so it's not clear if or when he will get to Florida this year.  Dad has shown remarkable strength and resiliency since Mom passed last May; as dependent as he was on her, I doubted he'd make it very long on his own. I'm grateful for the phone conversations we've had since Mom passed. It was difficult--if not impossible--to speak with him when she was alive because both of them insisted on being on the phone with me whenever I called. Those conversations were something for the books and perhaps the subject of a future post.

The gifts we bring to life often grow out of our deepest childhood wounds. I yearned for authentic communication with my parents but rarely experienced it. Their emotional and psychological absence clashed with my intense need to be heard and understood and as  a result, I grew up feeling lonely and isolated. I'm grateful that after many years of working on myself, I have manifested a good life and the support of a wide community of friends.  I'm convinced that honest communication can bring deep healing and transformation. The therapists, mentors and friends who cared enough to listen to my story without judgment helped me change my life. In fact, I'm pretty sure that speaking and listening from the heart is the only way to heal the world.

I hope that my readers will feel safe enough to share their stories on this blog. Together, we can do our part to do what in Judaism is called "tikkun olam"--healing the world. I look forward to sharing this journey of healing with you and speaking and listening from the heart.

Communicating From the Heart

Welcome, and thank you for visiting my blog. 

As fellow seekers, I'm sure we will have much to share 

about our mutual journeys. 

My hope is that by speaking and listening from the heart, 

we can awaken in each other a greater awareness 

of who we really are and move toward the fulfillment 

of our life's purpose.  

I look forward to our journey together.

Mark